I Don’t Teach What I’m Still Bleeding From

I Don’t Teach What I’m Still Bleeding From

I never coach, consult, mentor, or advise on things I’m still processing myself.
That’s personal leadership.
That’s integrity.
And honestly?
That’s the only way I know how to honor people.

The first thing I do in a tragedy is act.
I assess. I ask questions. I take action. I get the people to safety.
For whatever reason, I was gifted as the one who handles emergencies.

Then I feel the feelings.

When I’m in the middle of the shitstorm—having the emotions, letting my body filter it all exactly as it was designed—I’m not going to spout messages or advice.
I’m not going to tell someone else how they should do it.
Because my friend…
I’m still in it.

I do not pretend to be an expert while the wound is still open.

I try hard not to buffer.
Not to numb.
Not to spiritual-bypass my way into pretending I’m fine.
I let myself suffer it, if I’m able. Yes. I try to suffer.

I shake.
I cry.
I scream at God.
I sleep or don’t sleep.
Sometimes my body drops into illness.

I’m not “toughing it out.”
I’m processing.
That’s what real emotional regulation and burnout recovery often look like — not pretty, not inspirational, just honest.

I’m not open to long conversations while I’m in it. It’s not personal if you’ve reached out.
I’m just not ready to talk about it in any way that would be useful.
I need to feel it all first.
All of it.

When the heartships hit, I do serious work.

I start with my body.
I work it.
I take cold showers.
I lift heavy.
I get a massage or facial.
I float.
I get outside in sunlight and moonlight, in every season, in every weather.
That’s spiritual resilience as much as it is physical self care.

At some point, I work on my spirit.
I meditate.
I pray.
I affirm.
I thank.
I ask.
I listen.
I watch animals.
I examine flowers and leaves.
I smell the air.
I remember I’m here.

Then I harness my mind.
I journal.
I read.
I listen.
I create.
I share.
I acknowledge.
I talk.
I map things out on paper and move them around until they make sense.
I let my high achiever mindset soften enough to let wisdom rise instead of control.

And sometimes I go back and work the whole program again.
Because it takes as long as it takes.

It is a lot.
But knowing myself is my most important mission on this earth.

There was a time I ignored my own worthiness because I thought humility meant disappearing.
My personal development showed me the truth:
Everyone benefits when I’m healthy and in alignment.
It’s my kindness to the world to know myself deeply.

I’m humble enough to know this doesn’t come easy.
I still have people pleasing and guilt that try to derail me.
But I’ve felt worse things than guilt — and I’m not open to going back there.

So here I am.
At the “share” step of my self coaching process.
Coaching, consulting, advising, mentoring — all of that will come, but not on a pre ordained timeline.
Not until it’s real.

I love you.
Take good care.

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