The Holiday Habit That’s Draining Your Joy

My friend…

“Julie, I feel like I’m playing a part. How do I stop?”

This question shows up everywhere — in my office, my inbox, my texts — wearing a hundred different faces.
And every single time, I feel this wave of tenderness.

Because I am her.
I am him.
I am them.

And I wish I could tell you I’ve mastered this lesson and earned my gold star.
But let’s be real: I’m still learning how to stop people pleasing, how to stop shrinking, and how to show up as myself in every room.

In my business?
On a stage?
Inside elevated, respectful conversations?

Absolutely. I can lead a room with my eyes closed.

But the moment I walk into my own home…
or sit at a table with family…
or step into a room filled with the people who’ve known me since forever…

She shows up.

The girl who wants to be seen and heard and liked.
The one who wants everyone to have a great experience.
The one who cannot relax if someone’s upset, the vibe is off, or someone misbehaves or drops their emotional mess on the floor.

And suddenly — somehow — it becomes my job to fix it.

Just typing this stresses me out. Because it’s true.

I come from a family of big personalities.
And my nervous system?
It wants to manage all of them at the same time.

Does this sound familiar?

Please tell me I’m not alone. Tell me your version of this so I know I’m not the only one spiraling into Chief Emotional Officer mode during the holidays.

Here’s what I want you to hear:

I have done the work.
I teach this work.
And I am still a work in progress.

That’s not failure.
That’s self awareness — and that changes everything.

In coaching and in change management, transformation doesn’t happen by accident.
It happens because:

You intend to change.
You’re aware something needs to change.
You desire the change.
You even know how to change.

Those are the first three steps of ADKAR.

But step four?
ABILITY.

And let me tell you… I’ve got ability in controlled environments.
When I’m coaching, speaking, creating — that’s my territory. My leadership is honored. My boundaries are respected.

But when I’m with the people who’ve known me my whole life?

Oof.
My nervous system decides we’re time traveling back to 1998 and suddenly I’m twelve, trying to keep the peace before someone explodes.

So here’s what I’ve learned — and maybe it will serve you too:

If I wait until I’m triggered, overwhelmed, or emotionally hijacked,
I don’t stand a chance.

I have to decide ahead of time how I will lead myself.

For example:

I want to sit, relax, and talk during holiday gatherings…
not hop up forty seven times to grab wine, cut pie, handle chargers, solve crises, and referee tiny humans while my own plate goes cold.

People finish their meal and look at me like I’m the Dessert Fairy, and I’m still on my first bite.

So this year?
I’m doing it differently.

Before the gathering even starts, I decide:

I am not responsible for every emotion in the room.
I am not responsible for my grown son being vegetarian.
I am not responsible for who wants Disney+, who wants to go outside, or who peed on my new comforter.
I am not the designated holiday cruise director.
I am not the cleanup crew for tiny bladders.

If a kid pees on the bed?
“Oh honey, go tell your daddy.”

If someone wants pie?
“The knife is right there, help yourself.”

It sounds simple.
It sounds like common sense.

But for recovering people pleasers and emotional managers?
This is Olympic level courage.

We’re not just changing behavior.
We’re rewiring identity.
We’re letting a new version of ourselves take the mic.

And that does not happen by accident.
It happens by intention.

So if this is you — if the holidays bring up old patterns, old wounds, old roles you never meant to rehearse — hear me:

You are not broken.
You are not behind.
You are not dramatic.

You are human.
You are aware.
You are growing.

And you are allowed to enjoy your life without running the entire show.

The version of you you’re becoming?
She leads herself first.

And that changes everything.

If you enjoyed this post, join my inner circle of people on a mission to design a life they don’t need to escape from!